Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
