Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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