I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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