found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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