He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Found the puke drawer
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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