When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
