He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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