Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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