Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
