I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
