I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
