Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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