Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Don't make out with my wife yet
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
now i know why i became what i already was.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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