he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
