we're chasing vodka with high fives
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
