Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
