I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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