Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
