i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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