I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
