Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
