why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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