I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
is wine microwaveable?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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