i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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