My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
