Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
