I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
