i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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