So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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