OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
