My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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