WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
