peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
