The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
