If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
