Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
