what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
