the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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