some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
