I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
