I think my fart just growled at me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
