just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
