The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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