sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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