I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
