i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
