She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
