3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
