When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
