eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
