Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
