I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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